


the one time when allura made voltron a group chat and doomed them all.

by nnq



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Group chat, M/M, Multi, its my chatfic i get to make the gay, the ship content comes later soz xoxo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-06-23 18:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19706677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nnq/pseuds/nnq
Summary: AKA: The au where Lance and Shiro are bffs as soon as they meet. Chaos ensues.





	1. ep.1

**Author's Note:**

> hi.
> 
> idk how long this is gonna go on but i'll definitely try to continue it if i'm in the mood. I just can't stop thinking about how shiro canonly likes memes and so does lance but 'apparently' shiro would never let lance know. fuck that. 
> 
> most of the humor is pretty obscure but i hope you enjoy! please comment if you have any ideas for another chapter, or suggestions!

**xXPrincessAlluraXx** has made a new group!

 **xXPrincessAlluraXx** has added **Black Paladin, Red Paladin, Blue Paladin, Green Paladin, Yellow Paladin** and **Coran** to the chat!

 **Blue Paladin** has changed their name to **Razzle Dazzle**!

xXPrincessAlluraXx: ...How did you do that so fast?

Razzle Dazzle: you severely underestimate me princess

Coran: Ah! I see you've decided to bring back the old tradition of creating a non-verbal communication hub between the paladins! I remember so many wonderful memories from the paladin's hub before...

Yellow Paladin: Lance how do i change my name??

Razzle Dazzle: gear icon.

 **Yellow Paladin** has changed their name to **Hunk**!

Razzle Dazzle: smh

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Welcome to the official paladin non-verbal communication hub, or OPNVCH for short, team!

Green Paladin: i don't actually think that's much shorter, princess. 

Hunk: On earth we typically call these things a group chat uwu

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Oh! I suppose that will do as well. Though, pardon me, what does uwu mean?

Green Paladin: oh, it's like an emoticon. like :) or :3

Razzle Dazzle: ;3c

Hunk: owo

Green Paladin: stop it.

 **Green Paladin** has changed their name to **Pidge**!

Razzle Dazzle: ur all so boring.

Red Paladin: It's for convenience's sake, Lance. I didn't even know who you were until I noticed the lack of punctuation and capitalization.

Razzle Dazzle: you are just mad because you are angry.

Red Paladin: I'm not angry???

 **Black Paladin** has changed their name to **stan loona**!

Red Paladin: oh no

Razzle Dazzle: SGSGAGSDUHDSSJDND

 **Razzle Dazzle** has changed their name to **stream orbit 1.0**!

Pidge: wtf is going on.

Red Paladin: This was a mistake.

stan loona: keith, i'm disappointed. back to your homophobic ways.

Red Paladin: I am LITERALLY gay Shiro! I can't be a homophobe!

stan loona: idk you hate loona that sounds pretty homophobic to me :/

stream orbit 1.0: i cnat fuckign breathe shiro your MIND

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Paladins! What is loona, and what is a homophobe??

Hunk: oh my god lance has finally found someone that can understand his bizarre foreign memes.

Pidge: Just ignore them, Princess. What's the purpose of this chat, anyway?

xXPrincessAlluraXx: For the Paladins before, the chat was created in order to communicate with teammates silently in case of a noise-sensitive mission, but it also serves as a conversation device, for whatever use you desire.

Red Paladin: This is going to be a nightmare

stream orbit 1.0: pretty sexy of you to say that

Red Paladin: WHAT???

stan loona: her mind.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Who's mind, Shiro?

stream orbit 1.0: hers.

stan loona: ^

Pidge: ok if you freaks are done ive got a very important question to ask

stream orbit 1.0: anna oop-

stan loona: anna oop-

stream orbit 1.0: dsbdhjsdsdhujh one brain cell

Hunk: go ahead pidge!!!

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Please, if you will.

Pidge: soooo is it just me or are the lions able to play music? because i'm pretty sure green keeps trying to turn on some 'natural windchimes and wind blowing 10 hrs' type shit.

Red Paladin: The lions can play music????

stream orbit 1.0: ...........................................

Coran: Correct you are, Pidge! The lions have been equipped with a variety of auditory devices in order for the paladins to become accustomed with their role. The lion can even play music on their own, if they feel it is beneficial to their paladin.

Pidge: .......is green trying to tell me something.

Hunk: maybe have some warm baked bread and you'll calm down.

stream orbit 1.0: don't we all need some warm baked bread ;/

stream orbit 1.0: so wait if i think REALLY hard about a song will blue play it???

xXPrincessAlluraXx: It's possible, yes, but I believe a fair amount of bonding would be required before the message would be properly understood. It takes quite a bit of time for lion and paladin to become one.

Red Paladin: Darn.

stan loona: fuck.

Red Paladin: oh so YOU can say curse words but I can't??? 

stan loona: you're baby.

Red Paladin: I'm 17, Shiro!

Pidge: not to interrupt but can y'all come down to the hanger for a minute i think I'm hallucinating.

Hunk: weren't you just listening to soothing music?

Hunk: oh.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: What is that noise? Is that singing? It sounds so intense... and sad...

Pidge: how did shiro get in the blue lion.

Red Paladin: Fucking Mitski.

stan loona: NOOOOBODYYYYY NOBODY NOBODY NOOobODY OOOOOOOO NOOOOBODY 

stream orbit 1.0: i think i made it work.


	2. ep 2 - 3. Or 4? Idk. Before lance's goal was to blow up and act like he didn't know nobody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long to do I don't remember shit about the first few episodes of voltron and......, I am NOT rewatching them.
> 
> glhf.

**5:23 A.M, Space time.**

stream orbit 1.0: rise and shine gamers lets get this bread

Pidge: why are you up so early?

stream orbit 1.0: why are you up so late

Pidge: .......touche

stream orbit 1.0: also i found a bunch of alien facial products in the bathroom when i was in there so im slapping that shit on my face and passing back out

stan loona: Pidge, go to bed.

stream orbit 1.0: ohoho he's using proper capitalization and punctuation thats how you know he's serious 

Pidge: I dunno if I can sleep considering I'm on an alien warship surrounded by people I barely know and also I don't know if my br

Pidge: actually nevermind

Pidge: goodnight.

stream orbit 1.0: ,,,,,,,,,,

stan loona: ...............................

stan loona: wanna go in blue and play butterfly on repeat until we feel like god herself

stream orbit 1.0: omw

**8:00 A.M, Space time.**

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Paladins! There is an emergency! Come to the control deck IMMEDIATELY!!!

Hunk: Umm Princess I'm pretty sure we can tell by the blaring alarms and the fact that you're yelling over the intercoms.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: No OPNVCHs on the control deck.

**12:30 P.M, Space Time.**

stream orbit 1.0: everything hurts ..................hello darkness my old friend.

Red Paladin: I've come to talk with you again.

stream orbit 1.0: shut the fcuk up emo

Red Paladin: You literally said the first line of the song!

stream orbit 1.0: you are so uncultured keith.

stan loona: can confirm.

Red Paladin: >:(

stream orbit 1.0: omg u used an emoji that's cute

Pidge: that's gay.

stan loona: :eyes:

stream orbit 1.0: wtf the fuck theres nothing gay about emojis

Pidge: I

Pidge: I'm gonna ignore the fact that you said 'wtf the fuck',

stream orbit 1.0: i said what i said.

Pidge: I wasn't talking about that I meant you calling Keith cute??

stan loona: anna oop-

stream orbit 1.0: .................... i dont know her

Red Paladin: shut up lance.

stan loona: keith i can literally see you blushing across the room

Red Paladin: How the fuck do I leave this chat.

stan loona: language :/

**6:34 P.M, Space time.**

stream orbit 1.0: im bored.......

stan loona: hi bored im dad

stream orbit 1.0: hi dad im gay

stan loona: oh mood

stream orbit 1.0: our minds.

Pidge: do either of you ever stop talking

stan loona: no

stream orbit 1.0: no

Coran: Hello, Paladins! Please report to the castle's right-wing for the customary time of eating, if you desire such!

Red Paladin: Thanks, coran. I might be a little bit late. Just finishing up on the training deck.

stream orbit 1.0: why do we have to eat when we've already got snacks on the ship

stan loona: save some for the rest of us, lance

stream orbit 1.0: ......shiro I would die for you

Red Paladin: nvrmind Im not hungry

**Private Message, 6:42 P.M, Space time.**

stream orbit 1.0: why's he mad ):

stan loona: keith's just being angsty don't worry I'll drag him to come eat

stream orbit 1.0: yay :)

stan loona: ......

stream orbit 1.0: ....... there's NOTHING wrong with wanting a pretty boy to sit next to you it's JUST a personal preference 

stan loona: there's no flavor to this, really.

stream orbit 1.0: shut your FUCK

**7:02 P.M, Space time.**

Hunk: guys??? you might wanna hurry up, Allura's getting impatient.

Pidge: be there in a sec!

Red Paladin: Sorry, just got out of the shower. Coming.

stan loona: ....................

stream orbit 1.0: ..... did anybody try the chicken I loved the chicken

xXPrincessAlluraXx: This is food goo, Lance.

stan loona: yeah lance this is food goo keep up :/

stream orbit 1.0: >:/

Hunk: What's this stuff made of anyway?

Coran: Excellent question! It's a combination of vital nutrients and minerals liquified, then solidified into a gelatinous substance! Everything a paladin needs to stay healthy, nourished, and strong!

Red Paladin: That's awfully convenient.

stream orbit 1.0: ..... don't like that

Pidge: I'm going to have to agree with lance on this one. Probably not good for your teeth either.

stan loona: I will only consume this with a silly straw at the least

stream orbit 1.0: yooo this stuff makes your skin soft as fuck I bet I can use it as a face mask

Hunk: Lance PLEASE stop trying to make everything into a face mask you're not a beauty guru

stream orbit 1.0: keith get ur oily ass face over here I need to experiment beforehand and make sure I dont die

Red Paladin: You are not putting food goo on my face.

stream orbit 1.0: ;'(

Red Paladin: ....... no.

Pidge: I swear to God lance if you shoot food goo across the room one more time-

**Private Message, 7:16 P.M, Space time.**

Pidge: wait wait wait wait is Lance gay???? He only ever flirted with girls at the garrison

Hunk: Nah, he's bi. Why do you ask?

Pidge: .... ah. things make sense now

Pidge: no reason.

**Private Message, 7:52 P.M, Space time.**

stan loona: hey bud you doing ok??? I saw you weren't in your room

Red Paladin: Ah yeah I'm fine. I'm in Lance's room.

stan loona: oooo ok nvrmind. love you bro goodnight!!!

Red Paladin: ??? Ok. love you too.

**Private Message, 8:12 P.M, Space time.**

Red Paladin: WAIT NO NO NO NOT LIKE THAT

Red Paladin: He forced me to put on a face mask!!!!

stan loona: sure.

Red Paladin: ... I hate this fucking family.

**8:23 A.M, Space time.**

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Good morning paladins! Apologies for the delay. The castle's warping device is fixed and in order, so we most likely will start traveling today. 

stream orbit 1.0: aw but this planet is so pretty ):

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Indeed, it is a very beautiful planet, but it is essential we start to move today. The galran fleet is not far beyond us. 

Red Paladin: I dunno bout you guys but I like the little alien trying to scale the castle's walls while holding a knife.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: th

xXPrincessAlluraXx: the what 

stan loona: oh thank god I thought I was hallucinating 

Hunk: .......should we do something about that

stream orbit 1.0: I vote keith go out and investigate 

Red Paladin: What? Why me!?

stream orbit 1.0: ive seen ur secret knife dude you could just like. bust out some sexy knife techniques and yeet them out of existence 

Pidge: 'secret knife'

stream orbit 1.0: allura can we please go up into space so i can fucking throw myself out of the airlock

Hunk: LANCE

stream orbit 1.0: I mean

Red Paladin: ...You think my knife fighting is sexy?

Pidge: .......

Hunk: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

stan loona: I'm 

stream orbit 1.0: well YEAH I have EYES

stream orbit 1.0: I mean 

stream orbit 1.0: I just meant like sexy as in like cool but like that too I guess. NOT THAT I THINK THAT WAY I'm just saying for SOME people that'd probably be hot. 

Red Paladin: Oh Uh

Red Paladin: Thanks, Lance.

stream orbit 1.0: ur welcome ♡ stream likey by TWICE

Red Paladin: nevermind

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Um, Paladins? The intruder?

Coran: Judging by the scanner results, it appears to be a Local Arusian! They pose little to none threat to us due to their size, but in numbers they can be intimidating.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: I suppose it's a good sign if it's only one of them. Shiro, what do you think we should do?

stan loona: wh.... why do I have to decide 

Pidge: Because you're the head of voltron?

stan loona: what the FUCK who put ME in charge 

stan loona: that's a terrible idea I've got the mental stability of like... idk... what's a really batshit animal 

stream orbit 1.0: rat.

stan loona: of a RAT.

stream orbit 1.0: ^^^

Hunk: THEYRE ON THE CONTROL ROOM WINDOW OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD 

Red Paladin: Don't worry Hunk, I'm on my way. I know how to scare potential predators away with defensive body language, I read a book on it.

stream orbit 1.0: ..... shiro

stan loona: .

stan loona: jesus fucking Christ ok team put on your armor and we'll try to persuade this motherfucker to chill. 

Coran: Wait just a moment, Paladins! We still need to tend to the prisoners of the garla. As much as I would be happy to do so, I still have to make sure the wormhole systems are in tip-top shape and running smoothly!

Pidge: I'll stay to help.

stan loona: oh that sounds much better than potentially socializing yippee ki yay count me in

stream orbit 1.0: assddfghhsajhahshdjska

stan loona: and KEITH I swear to fucking god do NOT try to intimidate the alien with your weird crab dance

Red Paladin: IT'S NOT A WEIRD CRAB DANCE IT'S SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO WORK AGAINST 48% OF EARTH PREDATORS.

stan loona: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED BUT WE ARE IN FUCKING SPACE

Allura: I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now.

stream orbit 1.0: same.

**12:45 P.M, Arusian time.**

stream orbit 1.0: bapys.jpeg

stream orbit 1.0: ik you guys are like busy with important stuff but LOOK AT THR ARUSIANS THEYRE SO CUTE ASSDFGHGHKKAHAHSAJAK

stan loona: my heart........,,,

Red Paladin: Lance, you're supposed to be paying attention to the traditional dance being preformed.

stream orbit 1.0: ur looking at ur phone too.

stream orbit 1.0: ik ur trying to be intimidating by glaring at me across the fire but u don't have to make an escuse to look at me, ok. im a legit snack. 

stan loona: facts!!!

Red Paladin: Whatever.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: PALADINS.

Red Paladin: Oh shit.

**1:34 P.M, Arusian time.**

Red Paladin: hey guys

stan loona: waddup kdog

Pidge: I think I just died a little on the inside.

Red Paladin: yeah me too anyway cn u guys come out here

stan loona: uhhhh... yeah? everything ok?

Red Paladin: yeah. excpt for the giant alien robot monster trying to kill us all. that's something. we should probably deal eith.

stan loona: AND IT TOOK YOU 3 MESSAGES TO GET TO THAT? 

stan loona: GOD you useless HOMO ily but GOD

Pidge: ....omw.

**4:20 P.M, Arusian time.**

stream orbit 1.0: i want to die

stan loona: i want to dead

stream orbit 1.0: I WANT TO EAT THIS FRESH BAKED BREAD 

Hunk: You guys have some strange coping mechanisms

stream orbit 1.0: yea........

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Wonderful job, Paladins. I'm glad to see you all communicating smoothly and strengthening your bond through forming Voltron. The Arusians want to throw a celebration to thank voltron tomorrow night.

stan loona: like, where you have to talk to people and stuff?

Coran: Conversation is an essential part of Arusian culture!

stan loona: hard pass.

Red Paladin: Same for me.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Well, I suppose I cannot force you to attend, but tonight I thought maybe we could all get together and share some traditional altean food and Nunville to celebrate our victory today.

Pidge: Nunville?

xXPrincessAlluraXx: It's a special drink that induces feelings of carefreeness and relaxation, as well as lowered personal boundaries in order to make socialization easier.

Pidge: Oh we have something like that on earth 

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Truly? What is it called?

stream orbit 1.0: SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS 

Red Paladin: ....everybody? 

stream orbit 1.0: ily Keith 

Red Paladin: h

Hunk: It's called Alcohol, Princess.

Pidge: Yeah, and you have to be 21 to drink it.

stream orbit 1.0: uh, no! not where I'm from, babey! you can drink at every age in cuba, but you can buy it when you're 16, in which I STILL qualify.

Hunk: That's... actually true. Not necessarily a good argument, but true.

stan loona: as much fun as that sounds to watch a drunk lance i get pretty sick whenever I smell alcohol so I'll have to pass again;; Maybe if I feel better tomorrow I'll attend the Arusian celebration. Uh. I definitely will, you know, because I'm the leader of voltron.

Hunk: He will NOT be getting drunk!!!

stream orbit 1.0: allegedly.

Pidge: Yeah, I'm cool with alcohol, but I have no reason to drink it. Shit's nasty. 

xXPrincessAlluraXx: It is an acquired taste, yes. I may have a few sips but nothing more. Will anyone else be interested in a get together other than me, Lance, Pidge, and Coran? 

Hunk: I'm fine with coming. No alcohol for me though.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Keith?

Red Paladin: no.

stream orbit 1.0: )': 

Red Paladin: maybe.

**Private Message, 4:54 P.M, Arusian time.**

stan loona: you got anything to confess to me.

Red Paladin: I plead the fifth.

stan loona: the fact that you'd even compare me to a cop is literally discrimination.

Red Paladin: listen I hate cops as much as you do so shut up and let me be gay in peace 

stan loona: :^)

Red Paladin: shut up shut up shut up sh 

**5:06 P.M, Arusian time.**

stream orbit 1.0: :D drinking buddy obtained!

Pidge: I doubt Keith is actually going to drink with you. He'll probably just watch you get wasted for his amusement.

stream orbit 1.0: isn't that why everyone pays attention to me. For their amusement. 

Pidge: ....Lance, I was just kidding. Ily.

stream orbit 1.0: a clown never forgets his tricks.

Pidge: I take it back.

Pidge: Uh, speaking of clowns. I have something mildly important to say. I mean it's pretty important but I'm too anxious to say it out loud in front of all of you so I'm just gonna say it in this chat.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Of course, Pidge. This is a safe space, no judgement.

stan loona: ^ take your time Pidge 

Red Paladin: What shiro said.

Pidge: Well, um, you all know me as Pidge, and as a guy, but I'm not really a guy. I'm a girl. I pretended to be a guy to get into the Garrison, because that's what it said on my birth certificate, and well... everyone at the Garrison knew me as a girl, and Matt Holt's sister. So... I kind of had to pretend to be cis, and not Katie, you know? But... now that I'm not in the Garrison, It feels right to tell you all the truth.

Pidge: Um, so, I guess what I'm getting at is that you can call me either Pidge or Katie, but I use she/her pronouns, and I'm a girl. So. Yeah.

stan loona: holy SHIT i knew you were familiar. Matt had a picture of you in his wallet!

Hunk: Wait.... so that picture in your backpack... that was you with Matt?! Not you with your girlfriend?!

Pidge: Oh. Yeah.

Pidge: But I totally could have had a girlfriend. I mean, I'm a lesbian too.

Red Paladin: I didn't really pay much attention to your appearance, tbh, I thought you were a transguy.

Pidge: Thats.... strangely reassuring.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: I'm not very familiar with human genders or sexualities, but I'm happy you decided to tell all of us.

Pidge: Thanks, Princess.

stream orbit 1.0: im 

stream orbit 1.0: not to seem like That Bitch but I knew the whole time asdhdhshagsgajamla

Hunk: AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME???

stream orbit 1.0: i just thought she was closeted I didn't want to out her!!!!

Pidge: Wait, how did you know????

stream orbit 1.0: uh

stream orbit 1.0: well, just like... everything I guess??? you always looked so uncomfortable when people called you he or him, and you pretty much avoided all the mirrors in the dorms. and it's like. 

stream orbit 1.0: I

stream orbit 1.0: get it, you know.

Pidge: Oh.

Pidge: OH.

Pidge: I mean- It means a lot that you noticed. And. You know. Are here with me. So. Thank you.

stream orbit 1.0: ofc babe <3

Pidge: I'm not gonna do the heart back because I have a reputation to maintain but just pretend I did.

Hunk: Oh this thriving friendship and solidarity... the flavor...

stream orbit 1.0: the FLAVOR.......

stan loona: *smacks lips*

Red Paladin: what the fuck is going on.

Pidge: Anyway, are we going to party or what? 

stream orbit 1.0: oh yell heah baby!!

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Why do I feel a sense of forboding...

**8:41 P.M, Arusian time.**

Pidge: Ok. I'm officially bored.

Hunk: Yeah. Me and Keith were taste-testing the weird altean food and stuff but then he left to make sure Lance doesn't die.

Pidge: Well, that's ominous.

Hunk: To be fair Lance walked into the room, took a swig of nunville, spit it out in disgust then walked out of the room. With the bottle of nunville.

Hunk: I dunno, as long as he's keeping Lance in rein I feel like I shouldn't complain. But still. Boring.

Pidge: Hunk do you HONESTLY believe that they've been spending the last 2 hrs drinking.

stream orbit 1.0: YOU BET YPUR FUCKIGN ASS WE ARE.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Keith, is Lance ok?

Red Paladin: He's great.

stream orbit 1.0: i feel like God 

Hunk: Oh, thank god. Make sure he doesn't drink any more, ok? Lance always gets the worst hangovers the morning after...

Red Paladin: Whoops.

stream orbit 1.0: i. Am. FANTASTIC. listrn to me Hunk. This is the best night of my lives. Ever.

stan loona: wtf did I open my chat to.

stream orbit 1.0: shiro thank you SO fucking much for setting me up. I could'nt have done this without u

stan loona: w...what did I set up

stan loona: Keith????????????

Red Paladin: I dunno.

Hunk: Where even are you guys???

stream orbit 1.0: heaven. 

Pidge: that's terrifying to hear lance type deadpan with a period.

Red Paladin: I. Have no idea.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: I can't tell if I should be concerned or relieved.

stan loona: wait.

stan loona: Keith. Kogane.

stream orbit 1.0: oh shit he's bringing out the capitalizations

stan loona: don't tell me you are doing the ILLEGAL alcohols.....

Red Paladin: .

stan loona: DO NOT

Red Paladin: In my defense Lance asked me to drink with him.

Pidge: Wow, Keith is a very articulate drunk.

stan loona: ikr but that is NOT THE POINT you are a BABY 

Red Paladin: You're not my real dad.

Hunk: Ooooooo

stan loona: .......listen you can't just SAY THAT it makes me feel bad for being upset 

Red Paladin: You're bullying an orphan, Shiro. An ORPHAN.

stan loona: STOPPPPP

stream orbit 1.0: plz everyone don't fight is too loud kthxbye

Red Paladin: Ok.

Pidge: ...disgusting.

Hunk: I think it's cute!

xXPrincessAlluraXx: As entertaining as this is to me, Paladins, it's getting a bit late. It's been a busy and eventful day, so it'd be good to start getting ready for bed soon so you feel refreshed and ready for training tomorrow!

Pidge: ughhhghhhh

stan loona: hhhhhh 

Hunk: As terrible as the training sounds, sleep sounds like the greatest idea ever. Ilysm princess.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Oh! Um... I care for you deeply as well?

Hunk: :D

stream orbit 1.0: )':

Hunk: Hey, buddy, it's ok! If you want we can sleep together tonight so you don't have to worry about waking yourself up tomorrow morning. 

stream orbit 1.0: but.

stream orbit 1.0: but ):

Red Paladin: Don't worry, Hunk. I'll take care of Lance. You can go ahead to sleep.

Hunk: Are you sure?? He's pretty clingy when he's drunk.

Red Paladin: It's fine.

stan loona: :eyes: 

Red Paladin: Seriously, I'm fine. I'm already sobering up. I'm the only other person as stubborn as Lance, anyway. If anyone can get him up, it's me.

Hunk: Good point...

stream orbit 1.0: I'M STILL HERE i mean you're right BUT YOU SHOULDN'T SAY IT 

stan loona: go the fuck to sleep homos 

Red Paladin: Goodnight.

**7:01 A.M, Arusian time.**

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Rise and shine, paladins! It's time to continue our training to ensure you form voltron seamlessly no matter the situation. Today, we'll be participating in a mind meld!

Pidge: don't like that 

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Is something wrong with that?

Hunk: I'm not sure if I'm on board with what sounds like mindreading...

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Mindreading? Oh no! Mind melding only displays an image of what you are currently thinking about. There's no delving into one another's minds of any sort.

Hunk: But I'm gonna get all nervous and get an intrusive thought of like, dying puppies or something!!!!

xXPrincessAlluraXx: I assure you, as long as you focus on your lions and forming voltron, there will be no risk of such. Yellow will help you keep your mind straight.

Hunk: theres NOTHING straight about me

stream orbit 1.0: nice

stan loona: :eyes: hello lance........

stream orbit 1.0: was... was that the wind? I swear I could hear someone.... no.... just my mind playing tricks on me

Pidge: asdjsaksh2616q991jd82wjkakq2838e9q9eueuw

Hunk: Oh, wow. That's an elusive keysmash if Ive ever seen one.

stream orbit 1.0: why is there numbers....

Pidge: aesthetic 

stream orbit 1.0: tru

Hunk: you seem awfully chipper.....

stream orbit 1.0: i am So Tired. But warm.........

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Is everyone up and about yet? There's no time to waste in our busy day!

stream orbit 1.0: keith isn't yet 

Pidge: maybe he just isnt checking the group chat?

stream orbit 1.0: oh

stream orbit 1.0: ...............

stan loona: wait

stream orbit 1.0: ..........................

stan loona: how do you know Keith isn't awake yet Lance....

Pidge: lance is a stalker confirmed 

stream orbit 1.0: ...... obviously because he's not doing his daily morning screamo singalong smh

stan loona: lance.

stream orbit 1.0: a whisper in the grass.... no, my ears must be deceiving me. twas nothing but the crickets...

xXPrincessAlluraXx: w-what

Hunk: Lance, you're confusing allura D:<

stan loona: *Brandon Rogers voice* LANCE WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU 

Pidge: omg 

Pidge: lance ignoring Shiro ahshsjajakam the self restraint

Hunk: Wait is Lance not in his room??

stan loona: NO????

Pidge: keith threw lance into space 

Hunk: NO!!! HE DIDN'T!!! HE TOLD ME HE WOULD TAKE CARE OF LANCE

Hunk: oh

Hunk: OH GOD 

Pidge: it was a joke hunk!!! 

stan loona: the anxiety luv the anxiety is rysing luv

Red Paladin: he's fine 

stan loona: KEITH

Pidge: the cryptid appears 

Hunk: KEITH DID YOU KILL LANCE

Red Paladin: ....What.

stan loona: YOU LOST LANCE WE CANT FIND HIM ANYWHERE 

Red Paladin: Oh

Red Paladin: He's with me.

stan loona: he WHAT

Pidge: like... with you with you or....

Red Paladin: With me???? ...Uh, we fell asleep last night on the cloud thingy. I tried to get him to go back to his room but he kind of... grabbed me, and passed out.

stan loona: you could have just like... got him off you.

Red Paladin: And wake him up?!

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Oh.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Oh! I didn't....

xXPrincessAlluraXx: I feel so silly now.

Hunk: YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD TAKE CARE OF HIM

Red Paladin: I did! I... am? I think? We just slept together, is all. He was laying on me last night too.

Pidge: oh my god

stan loona: why do u feel silly allura???

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Well;; I didn't realize Lance and Keith were mates, is all.

Pidge: im 

stan loona: ASDFGGLKAJSSJHSAJKAK ALLURA SAID ABO RIGHTS

Hunk: What!!!!! WHAT!!!!

Red Paladin: .

Red Paladin: lance had the right idea conking back tf out 

stan loona: KEITH YOU CAN'T MONOPOLIZE ON LANCE WE STILL HAVE TO TRAIN 

Red Paladin: I'm gay I do what I want 

**_Red Paladin has left the chat._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plz leave comments kthxbye


	3. ep i don't fucking know fuck having a plot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> me beginning to write this fanfic: im gonna make Keith the gay that acts like a het and is offensive/lame even though I'll be making this klance
> 
> me literally one chapter in: *is boo boo the fool*

**11:24 A.M, Arusian time.**

stream orbit 1.0: wow i slept great omg

Hunk: you're a mess.

stream orbit 1.0: I regret nothing. 

**Private Message, 11:32 A.M, Arusian time.**

stream orbit 1.0: hunnnkkk he cuddled with me

stream orbit 1.0: do you think he's in love with me

Hunk: I'd say you're taking this too fast but you and him are whipped for each other so I'm not surprised

Hunk: I don't know! Ask him yourself!!!

stream orbit 1.0: i woke up in his ARMS..... well at least earlier he wakes up crazy early so I went back to sleep but STILL. Hunk you should have seen it when he woke up he was all sleepy and cute and his voice was raspy and then he SMILED and said good morning....

stream orbit 1.0: drunk me is a fucking God

Hunk: you're so wild 

Hunk: I support your sad pining bs 

stream orbit 1.0: rude

**11:51 A.M, Arusian Time**

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Good morning, Lance. We were planning to do a mindmelding activity earlier, but it seems as if you needed more rest after last night's.... festivities.

stream orbit 1.0: MINDREADING???

Hunk: see THIS GUY gets it 

stream orbit 1.0: well shit you should have gotten me up anyway I feel bad 

Pidge: you don't get it. we COULDN'T 

xXPrincessAlluraXx: ^

stan loona: yeah everything we approached the couch your alpha would go all feral on us and threaten to maul us

stream orbit 1.0: my fucking WHAT 

stream orbit 1.0: shiro I'm going to Kill You

stan loona: i see the aggression is rubbing off......

Pidge: Read the messages from last night. 

stream orbit 1.0: oh das the truth luv lit really is 

stream orbit 1.0: .

stream orbit 1.0: hhhhhhhh

stan loona: also. Qastion.

stream orbit 1.0: hm

stan loona: what did you mean by me 'setting you up'

stream orbit 1.0: well you see

 **stream orbit 1.0** has changed their name to **Huihyeon stan**.

Huihyeon stan: stream summer ade ♡♡♡

stan loona: yassss

 **stan loona** has changed their name to **i wish i was DIA-d**.

Huihyeon stan: omg king of jokes and funniness and having a laugh.... the iconity here luv the iconityyyy

i wish i was DIA-d: garrison more like clown college

Huihyeon stan: ADHSSGSAJAJJSKSNAKAM

i wish i was DIA-d: kkjjjfjdjsjsjsshshshajaj

Pidge: not to be homophobic but you two have one brain cell

Huihyeon stan: like each of us have a half or we have one and we switch between having it 

i wish i was DIA-d: this is a communist group chat Lance we SHARE it 

Huihyeon stan: kinda sexy of the braincell....

i wish i was DIA-d: ASDJDJAJAHZROROEIOAZJHAHAJ

Huihyeon stan: speaking of where's Keith 

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Speaking of speaking of....

 **xXPrincessAlluraXx** has added **Red Paladin** to the chat!

Hunk: in the training room I think :o he's been there for a couple of hours 

Pidge: 'speaking of'

Pidge: also, that can't be healthy.

Hunk: Ya, idk, he even brushed off my offer for breakfast. i guess he's just not in a good mood???

Huihyeon stan: Huh.

**Private Message, 12:09 P.M, Arusian time.**

Huihyeon stan: hey lura?

xXPrincessAlluraXx: There's an 'Al' at the beginning.

Huihyeon stan: i meant it as a nickname princess

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Oh! My apologies. I didn't mean to come off as rude. What is it that you need, Lance?

Huihyeon stan: well

Huihyeon stan: i feel bad about this morning 

xXPrincessAlluraXx: There's nothing to feel down about, Lance. It's only been several days since you got here; quite the adjustment from your home on Earth, I would expect. There's always another day.

Huihyeon stan: but still like I kinda fucked up the Plan

Huihyeon stan: so I was wondering if maybe I could make it up to you??

xXPrincessAlluraXx: ...Make it up to me? Why? 

Huihyeon stan: tbh I feel really bad when I disappoint or upset people and it'd make me feel a lot better if I could do something for you so I don't feel guilty

Huihyeon stan: also. I'm bored.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Oh! I see.

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Well, I'm neither disappointed or upset, Lance, but I would be happy to provide you company. Perhaps we could do some training of our own!

Huihyeon stan: as much as I would appreciate that i. Dunno if it'd be a good idea to share the training room with Keith rn

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Are you two in a lovers quarrel..?

Huihyeon stan: w

Huihyeon stan: me and Keith are NOT lovers we aren't even a THING !!

Huihyeon stan: i just don't want him to get more edgy by pissing him off rn. NOT because we're in a fight. i haven't even talked to him today anyway!! THERE'S NO PROOF WHATSOEVER TO SUPPORT THIS CLAIM MISS ALLURA!

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Oh! I'm sorry!

Huihyeon stan: it's cool yknow just don't say that around Keith he might get mad 

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Ah. Well, I was thinking of a different type of training anyways!

Huihyeon stan: ???

xXPrincessAlluraXx: Say, how good are you with language?

**3:31 P.M, Arusian Time.**

Pidge: It's very quiet in here without Lance or Shiro.

i wish i was DIA-d: I'm not dead you little shit.

Pidge: when you're alone it's not as funny because you make an effort to talk normally 

i wish i was DIA-d: why do my kids fucking HATE me i JUST woke up

Pidge: so we have to piss you off to make sure you dont bring out the proper grammar huh

Hunk: You just woke up?! It's 3 pm!

i wish i was DIA-d: listen. i was up earlier. i just decided to take a very, very long nap. 

i wish i was DIA-d: and by earlier I mean 4 am and by long nap I mean 12 hrs

Pidge: Christ

i wish i was DIA-d: but now I have enough energy for (1) social interaction, so, HAH

Pidge: honestly I've just been playing around and reprogramming Rover the past few hours. it's only been a few days and yet I got adjusted to the chaos of voltron so the quiet is wack.

Hunk: Yeah. I hung out to watch Keith for a little bit but it got boring to watch him stab the same bot 26 times in a row so I decided to go mess around with some of the fancy alien foodstuffs again, but still. it's borderline stress baking. 

Pidge: where is Lance anyway??

i wish i was DIA-d: i actually don't know. i assumed he was napping somewhere but I haven't seen Allura either. maybe theyre doing something???

Red Paladin: doing what.

Pidge: how tf did you make me jump through a single message. i literally jolted.

Hunk: Hey buddy! How was training?

Red Paladin: alright I guess

i wish i was DIA-d: can you not READ I said idk!!!

Hunk: Maybe try checking Lance or Allura's rooms? :o 

Red Paladin: Why would either of them be in the others room???

Hunk: I heard Lance compliment Allura's hair the other day and he offered to braid it sometime if Allura would be OK with it. just a guess.

Pidge: Her hair is really pretty.

i wish i was DIA-d: im just worried cuz he hasn't messaged the chat for a few hours ): I thot what we had was special....

Red Paladin: ...

**Private Message, 3:50 P.M, Arusian Time.**

i wish i was DIA-d: the jealousy jumped out luv lit really did

Red Paladin: shut up shut up shut up

**3:55 P.M, Arusian Time.**

Red Paladin: THEY'RE NOT 

Pidge: ???? they're not what. whos they 

Red Paladin: In each other's rooms!!! 

i wish i was DIA-d: keefy, calm down. they're probably just hanging out in some secret altean room talking shit about the rest of us >9's

Hunk: Allura mentioned there was a swimming pool somewhere too.

Red Paladin: SECRET ROOM?

Huihyeon stan: fuck dude what'd I miss

i wish i was DIA-d: the best friend TRAITOR appears...

Huihyeon stan: bb it's not what it seems ):

Red Paladin: what isn't what it seems?

Huihyeon stan: well hi to you too Keithy boy smh

Hunk: you've been radio silent the past few hours Lance ×_×

xXPrincessAlluraXx: I was teaching Lance Altean!

Coran: Oooo. 

Pidge: holy shit I forgot coran was here I thought that said corn

Pidge: i like.... need a nap

Huihyeon stan: big mood

i wish i was DIA-d: bood

Huihyeon stan: BODE.

Hunk: every single time. I have no idea what they're saying

Pidge: ofc our resident multilingual learns altean. 

Pidge: omg Lance you'll be the only human to know altean in like the galaxy

Huihyeon stan: im an icon

i wish i was DIA-d: wait a fuck minute how many languages do you know lance 

Huihyeon stan: a lot

Hunk: He knows English, ASL, Spanish, SSL, French, Porteguise, Haitan Creole, and partially Dutch.

Huihyeon stan: ....... a LOT

i wish i was DIA-d: bitch what the fuck 

Red Paladin: That's extremely impressive. Not even Adam knew that many, and he was a language teacher. 

i wish i was DIA-d: he only assisted the garrison's language teacher, but yeah. 

Pidge: Adam? You mean Mr. W? i fuckin loved that guy he was so funny 

i wish i was DIA-d: yeah he was my fiancee

Pidge: w

Hunk: what!!!!

Huihyeon stan: was??? 

i wish i was DIA-d: we tried to keep it on the dl, the garrison didn't want us to be openly home of sexual bcuz we were like. Looked up to. but we did anyway lol

i wish i was DIA-d: yes, me and him broke it off before I went on kerboros. he didn't want me to go, I was stupid enough to choose it over him

Red Paladin: I hope he's doing ok.... I never got to say goodbye.

Red Paladin: He tried to take care of me after you were gone, you know. I just couldn't handle being in the house with you gone.

Pidge: I knew you were related, but I didn't know you and Shiro lived together.

Red Paladin: My mom left my dad shortly after I was born, and my dad died in a fire. I circulated in the adoption system for a while before I met Shiro, stole his car, and somehow he still wanted to adopt me. so.

i wish i was DIA-d: and it was the best decision i ever made <3

Red Paladin: Just two days ago you said i was a disgrace to our family and i hated you because I ate the last of hunk's muffins.

i wish i was DIA-d: i was a different person then. i was hungry.

Hunk: That is. So much.

Pidge: Im still reeling from the last parts but I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to share that with us Keith.

Huihyeon stan: honestly i'm just wondering if shiro is your brother or your dad

i wish i was DIA-d: IM NOT THAT OLD

Red Paladin: technically he's younger than me

Pidge: WHAT?

i wish i was DIA-d: :^)

Red Paladin: He's six.

Huihyeon stan: so born on a leap day?

i wish i was DIA-d: shshshshhs i was born on a leap day

Huihyeon stan: !!! SAME HAT

i wish i was DIA-d: SAME HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hunk: You were right about the braincell, Pidge.

Pidge: actually idk i might take it back because lance came to that conclusion much faster than i did. i legit thought he was six for like 3 whole seconds

Red Paladin: This is kind of unrelated at this point but uh

Red Paladin: I'm glad to see you guys aren't making a big deal out of my life. I get really uncomfortable when people pity me or say how horrible my life must have been, so its a nice change.

Huihyeon stan: It's your life, not ours. Our opinions don't really matter, yknow? It's more about you being alright with us knowing a very personal thing about you, and that means a lot to me.

Huihyeon stan: AND THE TEAM. OF courSE.

Pidge: I'm not good with words, but what Lance said, essentially.

i wish i was DIA-d: oooop the communication the support the pining we stannnnnnnnnn

Hihyeon stan: TAKASHI

Red Paladin: ??? What's happening.

**Private Message, 4:32 P.M, Arusian Time.**

Hihyeon stan: CAN yOU BE ANY more OBVIOUS

i wish i was DIA-d: DHASJGDGJSDGJ I DIDNT MEAN TO honeST IT WAS AN ACCIDDENT

Hihyeon stan: im gonna fuckign cry Shiro so you HATE me you DESPISE me huh!!!!!!! 

i wish i was DIA-d: I'M SORRY!!!!! PLZ DON'T CRY OR I'LL CRY TOOoOOOOoO

i wish i was DIA-d: if it makes you feel any better I don't think Keith even knows what that word means or what we're talking about 

Hihyeon stan: oh

Hihyeon stan: ughhh I had to get stuck with a crush on a dumbass HUH.....

i wish i was DIA-d: this works in your favor????

Hihyeon stan: oh rite lmao

i wish i was DIA-d: god you two really are made for each other huh. 

Hihyeon stan: im giving you a 5 minute headstart

**4:45 P.M, Arusian Time.**

i wish i was DIA-d: IF I DIE TELL ADAM I LOVE HIM

Red Paladin: what's in it for me though.

Pidge: I love how Keith doesn't even question why shiro is at risk of dying 

Red Paladin: He's always at risk of dying.

Huihyeon stan: he really does do it to himself

i wish i was DIA-d: I'LL DO ANYTHING IF YOU COME AND HELP ME NOT GET MURDERED SBSBBDBSNSKAKAJ

Red Paladin: anything?

i wish i was DIA-d: hhhhhhhh yes

Red Paladin: ...............

Red Paladin: Then perish.

Hunk: ASSDFGGJSJSHAHAJAK

Pidge: oh my fuckign god Keith

Red Paladin: In all seriousness though, why is Lance hunting Shiro down for sport again?

xXPrincessAlluraXx: I am curious as well...

Huihyeon stan: zest for life

Pidge: bcuz shiro #exposed him 

Red Paladin: what.

Huihyeon stan: it's not important WHAT he did it's what he did AFTER in which he INSULTED ME TO MY FACE!!!!

Red Paladin: What did he say???

Huihyeon stan: ....thats classified.

Red Paladin: I don't understand you sometimes. 

Red Paladin: We keep getting very off track and all but I wanted to thank you for saying all that. Concerning earlier when I was talking about my past.

Huihyeon stan: oh

Huihyeon stan: um

Huihyeon stan: of course keef <3

**Private Message, 5:07 P.M, Arusian Time.**

Red Paladin: shiro

Red Paladin: Shiro he sent me a heart emoji I'm gonna cry

i wish i was DIA-d: ur useless

i wish i was DIA-d: JUST FUCKING KISS HIM !!!! if you are so sad!!!!!

Red Paladin: IT WAS JUST A HEART EMOJI BUT STILL

i wish i was DIA-d: kiss him. On The Lips.

Red Paladin: He probably just meant it in a friendly way you're not supposed to ENCOURAGE ME TO MAKE IMPULSIVE DECISIONS

i wish i was DIA-d: :^) what kind of big brother would i be to not encourage u 2 be gay

Red Paladin: one that values my sanity.

**5:14 P.M, Arusian Time.**

Hunk: lance broke Keith 

Huihyeon stan: It Was Not My Intention

Red Paladin: I'm fine.

Pidge: he lives!!!

Huihyeon stan: sorry if I made you uncomfortable keith;;

Red Paladin: IT'S COOL

Red Paladin: We're. Cool

Red Paladin: .

i wish i was DIA-d: so... ummm... anybody else reday to get their Crunk on orrrrr....

Huihyeon stan: oh he'll ya babey!!!!

xXPrincessAlluraXx: dear god

Huihyeon stan: r u ready to get your Crunk on keith :D

Red Paladin: yea <3

**Private Message, 5:23 P.M, Arusian Time.**

Huihyeon stan: AAAAAAAAAAAAA

i wish i was DIA-d: SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Huihyeon stan: MY FACKIN GOD THIS BOY'!!! THIS WHOLE SNACKKKK

i wish i was DIA-d: omg what are you gonna DO.....

Huihyeon stan: i have a PLAN don't WORRAY....

i wish i was DIA-d: RESPOND RESPOND!!!

**5:25 P.M, Arusian Time.**

Huihyeon stan: <3

Pidge: on GOD we gon get you some bussy bro

i wish i was DIA-d: KATIE HOLT

Pidge: oh shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> miss/mr zylbrad said fuck canon I guess let's fill shit with filler!! 
> 
> i have no idea what I'm doing anymore so I guess.... send ideas of what shit these [REDACTED]s should do


End file.
